She told me she would be my downfall; and she was right…
It wasn’t like I hadn’t thought of instances like this numerous times before. Mostly when her head was in my lap and I would gently tuck her hair behind her ear. Her eyelids would flutter as she sighed in her sleep, but that sigh would mean she felt safe, comfortable. It meant everything to me to provide her with that security.
I could spend hours just watching her sleep. The rise and fall of her breathing sending my brain into a peaceful meditation. It always surprised me how I could find the beauty in her slumber, but I could never pause to enjoy things such as rain or sunshine. These occurrences just didn’t hold a flame next to the blissful silence we shared when she dozed in my lap.
I think we both relished in this silence; knowing these moments wouldn’t last forever. Knowing that this was never meant to be, but we continued for a while. These silent moments between us becoming the basis of our relationship, if you could call it that. A mutual give and take, though I felt as though I gave far more than her. And she took everything that I had to give.
These moments always ended with her taking a large breath, sitting up slowly, and kissing my cheek. Wordlessly she would take her leave, gathering her things and walking out the door, out of my life.
I would be left there on that couch, staring at the walls that made up my life. My fingers would ache to stroke every strand of her hair, my skin would burn for the feel of her slow breathing. These moments were never enough, never satisfying.
In the end I knew she would never fully be mine. I knew that I couldn’t allow myself to fall, but every time she offered me even that small fraction of herself I felt a little more of my heart leave with her out the door.
When she finally did leave for good she took every meaningful piece of me with her. I was left on that couch, longing for a person who was never fully there to begin with.
The first time she didn’t return my head was full of sadness. The lump in my throat so large it felt as if I would suffocate. Every time after that the lump would return smaller and smaller than before. Eventually my sadness melted away into longing, frustration and finally anger.
Angry that I would allow those small moments to rule my emotions. Angry that though I knew she was a wandering soul, I allowed her to wander off with my heart and soul.
She told me she would be my downfall… and in the end I allowed her to be right.